


The World Inside

by Polarnacht



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Abortion, Difficult Decisions, Established Relationship, Family Feels, Gen, Post-Canon, Protective Siblings, Sibling Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-15
Updated: 2020-06-15
Packaged: 2021-03-03 19:27:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,895
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24740776
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Polarnacht/pseuds/Polarnacht
Summary: When Izzy looks at the pregnancy test in front of her, she hopes for some kind of joy to settle in - joy that never comes. Instead she only feels despair. Yet she knows that not matter what, she can always count on her two brothers to have her back.
Relationships: Alec Lightwood & Isabelle Lightwood & Jace Wayland, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Comments: 6
Kudos: 27
Collections: Banned Together Bingo 2020





	The World Inside

**Author's Note:**

> Originally written for the Banned Together Bingo

The World Inside

Izzy looked fondly at her two lively girls, the dark haired 5-year-old Alessia and the blond 3-year old Johanna. She always wondered from whom her youngest daughter had inherited her hair color, but except the blond hair, the three-year-old was a complete Lightwood. She had the stubbornness from her mother, the sincerity from her uncle Alec, and though not related by blood, Izzy could swear that she had the recklessness from her uncle Jace.

Her oldest, Alessia, was a book nerd like her father. She loved comics, fairy tales and in general everything that was a piece of paper with printed letters. She was turning six soon and had taught herself to read. Izzy was immensely proud of her. Alessia was very protective of her little sister in a way that reminded Izzy a lot of her own older brother. She loved the relationship her two daughters shared and she just hoped it stayed like that, as it had stayed for her.

She loved both girls to pieces and would die for both of them, without having to think about it. Yet, becoming a mother had not been easy, it still wasn’t. It had been hard to give up fighting on the front line during her pregnancy and during the time when the girls had been so little and so dependent on her. It had been hard to be woken every two hours, her whole body longing for sleep and rest. Each morning she had thanked the Angels for Stamina runes and coffee, wondering how mundanes handled motherhood.

It had been hard and still was to carry the responsibility for two perfect, innocent children. It was hard to be so vulnerable out of a sudden. She had always been fearless, relying on her strength and skills. Allowing herself to love Simon had not been easy, it had taken time for her to adjust and accept the love he offered and the love she was able to give in return. With her children it had been different. There had not been a choice. The moment the midwife had placed the small bundles on her bare chest, the girls still covered in vernix caseosa and with the first cry on their tiny lips, she had loved with an intensity she had thought would destroy her. It hadn’t, of course, but it still was hard sometimes for her to let go of her children and let them grow their wings – though she craved the freedom at the same time. Giving them sound roots was as challenging, but somehow easier.

Becoming a mother had shown her the twisted way she and her brothers had been raised. She had sworn to herself that she would not make the same mistakes, being glad that with Simon she had a partner and father on her side who didn’t believe in old Shadowhunter traditions, but in love and affection. She had learned a lot about herself, some things she had preferred to never know, but she would never turn back time. She would always choose having her two girls again.

***

She smiled when she felt suddenly two strong arm’s around her. Alec had approached her, pulling her in an embrace, kissing her lightly on her head.

“Are you okay, little sis?”

Izzy smiled. She was 30 now, but she would always be his little sister, and though she rolled her eyes, she liked it that way. The whole family had gathered together to a causal lunch.

“Yes, I am fine, Alec.”

“It’s been a year.”

Izzy smiled again and leaned her head against Alec’s chest, letting out a silent sigh.

 _Yes, it’s been a year_.

Of course her brother remembered, he always took care of her.

Her smile even widened when her other brother appeared next to her, a huge grin on his face which turned serious the moment he stepped closer.

“You okay Izzy?”

She laughed a little. She couldn’t tell how much this honest question meant to her. That they cared. That they both remembered. She nodded.

“Yes, I’m really fine. Glad to have you both.”

“No matter what, we will always have each other. Three in, three out.” Jace had put his arms around both of them, hugging them the way they had done often while growing up together. All three of them had found love, but sometimes Izzy wondered if the greatest love was not the one between her and her siblings – besides the love she felt for her two daughters of course. Growing up together, especially in the isolation of an Institute and under the circumstances they had, had shaped them in a way that they fitted together like pieces of a jigsaw.

They had shared their punishments, they had shared the rare moments of true joy, they had shared all the rest. Her brothers had dried her first tears about a boy and her excitement after her first date. They had laughed with each other, suffered with each other, killed for each other, supported each other in every way possible. There was nothing that could ever tear them apart. She meant what she had said, she was immensely glad to have both of them by her side.

***

She clearly remembered the time one year ago. The despair she had felt when she had looked at the pregnancy test with the two stripes, showing her merciless the answer she had not wanted to see. Right there, she had known that she had not wanted a third baby. She had been so relieved that with Johanna’s increasing age she had regained more independence and had finally felt like herself again. She just had known instantly, that a third child would be too much. She had no love left to give without losing herself or Simon, or both.

Of course she had not acted immediately. Deep down, she had hoped that the joy from her last pregnancies would settle in. That she would feel anything despite despair. But nothing had happened. Simon had been in Idris together with Clary on a secret mission, but she hadn’t wanted to talk to him anyway. They had grown apart over the last couple of months, not in a way that was unfixable, but it had been noticeable. Izzy had not been sure if she had wanted to talk to anybody. Yet, her brothers had thought otherwise.

_“What’s up with you, Izzy? And don’t tell us you’re fine. We know you aren’t.”_

Both men had stared at her, Jace with crossed arms on her one side, Alec with his arms behind his back on her other side, cornering her. Yet, she had felt anything but. She had blinked a few times, but before the first tear had fallen, both had already wrapped her in their arms. She had thought about confiding in them before, but had decided against it. Clary and Jace had tried to get pregnant for a long time now and Alec had been running for Consul. She had not wanted to cause Jace pain or jeopardize Alec’s chances. Yet, standing here in the embrace of her brothers, she had known that she needed them.

_“I’m pregnant.”_

Both brothers had known instantly that it was not a cause of celebration. Both had known that she hadn’t wanted a third child. Both had felt her misery. They had just stood there, holding her, letting her cry without any judgment.

_“What are you going to do?”_

She had bitten her lip hard, she still remembered the metallic taste of blood. She still remembered the pain it caused her to say the words aloud, yet she also remembered the relieve and the certainty she had felt.

_“I can’t keep it. I don’t want another kid. I just can’t without losing myself, losing everything I already have.”_

She had looked at Jace, who desperately had wanted to become a father on his own. But there had been no judgment. He had just nodded and had told her that if she was certain, he would be right by her side. Alec had hummed in agreement.

She had taken her time to think her decision over, but she had always come to the same conclusion. Finally she had told Simon, who had not been happy about her decision, but supported her in the end. Her body, her decision. She had not wanted him by her side for the procedure, as she had needed to know that her little girls were taken care of in the best way possible while she was gone. She had needed her brothers by her side.

She had chosen the clinic carefully. Technically, no Shadowhunter was allowed to undergo mundane medical treatment. So she had wanted a clinic far away from an Institute, especially because of Alec’s political ambitions. She had chosen the clinic in Seattle. Alec and Jace had accompanied her. Seeing the pro-life protestors in front of the clinic, she had briefly considered glamouring herself – but then decided against it. There had been nothing to be ashamed of. With her head held high she had marched on, her brothers flanking her. Three in, three out. She hadn’t known if Jace’s aggressive look or Alec’s sinister glare had helped, or if she just had been lucky, but no one had dared to approach her or throw something at her.

She had chosen a general anesthesia. When she had woken up again, she had felt only relieve. Her two brothers had sat by her side, each on an uncomfortable looking hospital chair. Alec had hold her hand, Jace had rubbed her arm. She had felt safe with them. After gulping down an orange juice, there had nothing been left to do than wait.

_“Clary and I will adopt a baby.”_

Jace had looked untypical shy when he announced the news, his usual swagger and confidence gone, knowing about the absurdity of the situation.

_“We finally talked and we just want a family. Like you two have. Blood has never mattered to me. Or to Clary. So we decided to apply for an adoption.”_

Izzy remembered squeezing his hand, feeling so happy for both of them.

***

Watching Clary now, the content grin on the redhead’s face while holding her little baby on her hip, Izzy felt genuinely happy for them. Both had waited so long for her little son to arrive and both were so amazing parents. Their son Jona was a little sunshine, always smiling his cute, toothless baby grin. Both Clary and Jace were over the moon. And so was Izzy.

“Come to me, sweetie, come to Auntie Izzy,” she crooned while holding out her hands towards Clary, asking her silently for permission. She knew how protective one could be as a mother. But Clary grinned at her and handed her carefully her baby.

Izzy smiled when little Jona snuggled up to her. She hummed lightly, the way her own daughters had always loved it. Her smile widened when she saw Jona’s eyes getting heavy. She looked up to find Alessia and Johanna play with Max and Rafe, her other two nephews. The smile deepened and reached not only her eyes but also her heart. 

Sometimes she thought about the way her life could have been. But she was sure, had been sure back then and was sure now, that it was not the way her life should have been.

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos and comments are loved 💙


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